Uncertainty Part II: On Intent

El Volcán Arenal de Costa Rica. Junio 2008.

I believe that the very first seeds of this post nestled in my mind in August 2010, while I was traveling in Australia. Those first seedlings sounded more like, "never expect anyone else to be your trail guide," so what you read here has evolved from that. Also, Part I is definitely worth a read first--particularly a scan of the Life Actualization Hierarchy.

* * *

First off, I'd like to convey a concept that's been crystallizing for some time: Field of Intent. To understand it, break it down component-wise.

What is Intent? To me, it's a a mixture of two concepts: Focus (deliberate attention) and motivation (reasons for doing), which both affect the outcome of your actions. Intent, then, is focused motivation, or maybe motivated focus.

Looking East at the gathering marine layer, near West Camino
Cielo and The Playground. Santa Barbara, June 18, 2011.

Think about this. Let's say you are focused on saving a baby from a burning building, with a motivation to achieve recognition and hero-dom from your deed. You save the baby, but in this case, your hedonistic motivation undermines your strong focus, morally marring your intent. Now, instead, let's say you focus on saving the same baby because it will save a life, or reunite a family, or simply because it's the right thing to do. You've now saved the baby out of love, or hope perhaps, and your intent is powerful and positive.

What do I mean by Field? It's a triple entendre. In one sense, a "field" is a physically partitioned space (such as a soccer field), but it is also a subject matter (such as the field of Chemistry, or another field of study), and it is further a way of storing and projecting energy (as in a magnetic field). This triple threat is the construct that conveys your intent to other people.

On the trail to Cathedral Peak,
Santa Barbara, April 23, 2011.

So, then, Field of Intent (FI) is the physical space, emotional energy, and subject matter of your focused motivation. It's how you project yourself into and onto the world. It's what you say, but it's also how you say it, and when you say it, and who you say it to. Through your inflection, body language, timing, and audience, other people directly perceive your FI. They can tell whether you're being hedonistic, or loving, or whatever. They can tell when you're lying, and so can your parents. Other people can tell that you saved the baby for recognition or for love.

Now, after realizing that every single action you take projects you onto the world, you may ponder some questions. "Who am I affecting with this action?" or, "What subject am I presently putting energy into?" or, "Am I approaching this positively or negatively?" or even "Am I sitting with good posture?"  Do you like what you're projecting? Do you like that other people can perceive it? Every moment--every NOW--counts. Revel in it.

My claim. Your FI attracts other compatible fields of intent. By this, I DO NOT MEAN to echo the proverbial "what you project into the world comes back to you." In fact, I disagree with that. Rather, I'm saying that your FI draws in other intent (foci and motivations) that are compatible with yours. But Beware! "Compatible" does not imply "positive." This could be an antagonistic compatibility, and it could also be an augmentative compatibility. (Aside: in my opinion, it also doesn't have to be a human-human intermeshing of intent ... but I'll let you decide if you also believe there are other entities floating around with intent. See my previous post if you want some dark-demon antagonism). Regardless, you have the power to control the composition of your FI. That is, you have the power to control what aspect of yourself brings other people to you. If you don't like what you're surrounded with, change yourself (by changing your Field of Intent).

My Mindset: Yes, do what you love, but to get there, first you have to love what you do, all the time. Focus on this; be motivated by this. Then, as with all paths you are here on earth to walk, only you can make the effort.

* * *

I direct your attention to the top two tiers (Hope, Enlightenment) of the Life Actualization Hierarchy. I duly neglected these tiers in Part I of this post, partly for space, and partly because I just didn't know what to say. These are some big topics. Gotta let things ferment sometimes.

In these top tiers, I attempt to convey (by flow chart) that experiencing and sharing Love is what ultimately propels you from Hope (confident wishfulness) into Enlightenment (which seems to be one of the highest purposes of life). But what is Love? Where does it come from? Where do we find it? I think Field of Intent can help elaborate, so I'll speak from my experience.

Sunset beach bonfire below the Ellwood bluffs. May 14, 2011.

A while back now, I fell in love with a girl. I mean really hard, really fast, for real, for the first time. Whoosh! Exhilarating. Blinding. Surprising. Wonderful. Unrequited. (She didn't want me back.) So, instead of that, a whole slew of reaffirmations fell into my lap. Here are some:

You might have some conception of what you find attractive, but you cannot know right now what you will fall in love with. Attraction is not a choice, but it is one early step towards love. Because of this, it is better to focus your intent away from "finding attraction" or "finding love" and focus it towards another goal, such as working smart, or creating passion, or making friends, or maybe getting really good at the guitar. Such a goal can be as simple as going for a run (I recommend without headphones), or as complex as defining your life's work, or saying "How's your day going?" to a stranger for no reason other than friendliness. For good results, these require strong positive intent (focus and motivation). What do you care about? What do you make time for on a daily basis? What are you building passion for? Figure it out. If you are building a passion for napping, and you don't like it, then stop. Then, when your focus and motivation are strong enough in such pursuits, you will achieve something that surprises you. There is no replacement for hard work. Then, at the same time you're working hard (lo-and-behold!) the universe will conspire in your favor, and your field of intent will bring compatible people to you--collaborators, muses, lovers, mentors, whatever. As far as love goes, you will meet someone you're compatible with on a deep, intent level. That is, they will be compatible with your field of intent. My advice? Rather than ask "Where do we find Love?" perhaps realize that Love will change your ideals when IT finds YOU.

Sunset over Goleta, CA. July 31, 2011.

I believe this is how enlightenment works, too. It's experiential, but your experiences are guided by your Field of Intent in a divine feedback loop. If you put powerful, positive intent into what you do, you will enjoy what you will do. Make sense? Here's an idea I really enjoy thinking about: When you experience Love, it gets stored in your subconscious mind, which is your body. Your body recalls all the pains and textures and flavors and wounds and emotions and infinite things you have experienced. Each of these is stored in a tiny pocket of your self, whence you may retrieve them from time to time. The body recalls, too, all of the Faith, Gratitude, Pleasure, Luck, Fear, and other driving forces of transformation that you have experienced. Each of these is driven by your Field of Intent, and each contributes to your ultimate actualization.

Often, for me, more questions arise with the realizations, so I'll leave you with a final item to ponder: What is the source of your intent? Where does it come from?

Apostrophe

Northward blender view of Red Peak from below Red Buffalo Pass (Gore Range outside Silverthorne, CO).  Spring 2007.

Today is Independence Day. Perhaps it is fitting this found it's way to the page.

* * *

Sunset over the Collegiate Peaks, near Buena Vista, CO.

I love being outside. I love jagged snowy mountains, a fresh pine-filtered breeze, and cloudless blue skies that wax indigo at the zenith. I love the way the landscape pops into existence just over the edge of a summit's peak, and the way cold rock feels under my fingertips, and the lava that courses through my veins from the roar of crashing waves. I love the red and purple fire that ignites the sky at dusk every single day, and the way the ocean rolls and washes my soul back into the right shape, and sharing the epiphanical endorphins of it all with good people.

Moonrise over Telluride, CO. Summer Solstice 2010.

Independence Monument, Colorado National Monument, CO

And yet, I have a nagging doubt. A nagging hunch that it's not mutual. A deep feeling in my gut that Nature doesn't care, nor reciprocate my love. Nature, why do you shrug that I rope up and climb your steep rock faces? Why not just prevent me from falling? Nature, why do you yawn that I lace up my shoes and run up your wooded trails? Why not carry me back down? Nature, must you plug your ears to my hoots of joy on top of a mountain? Why not sing along? Nature, must you trip me when I stand to ride your waves? Why not hoist me to my feet?

Unaweep Canyon, CO. The pensive climber is Casey.

You are stunning in your beauty, but you are the ultimate tease--the sublime lady I can never have. No matter how clever, or smart, or funny, or charming, or self-actualized I may be, I won't catch your attention. You don't even want to be my friend. It breaks my heart, as any one-way love must. But this strengthens my resolve. I will come back later, and I will do it for me. I WILL come back later, to simply see you, if that is all I get. I will come back later, on my terms. In the interim, I do not expect that you will have changed, though I definitely will. Lord Byron said it pretty well one time:

There is a pleasure in the pathless woods,
   There is a rapture on the lonely shore,
   There is society where none intrudes,
   By the deep Sea, and music in its roar:
   I love not Man the less, but Nature more,
   From these our interviews, in which I steal
   From all I may be, or have been before,
   To mingle with the Universe, and feel
What I can ne'er express, yet cannot all conceal.

(First Stanza of "Apostrophe to the Ocean"
from Childe Harold's Pilgrimage)

Uluru, Northern Territory, Australia. August 2010. The shadow on the rock face is cast by the impressive Kata Tjutu.

Nature, my lady, there is a lesson in your cold-heartedness, I know. By your intensity, you teach me Humility, so that Pride does not cloud my Love, and Faith, and Generosity. In your remoteness, you teach me self-sufficiency, so that I may focus on the solution and not the problem, however small it may be. You teach me of Beauty, which is a grand, transcendent paradox: were I not here to see it and say it, would you still be beautiful? Through your intricacy, you teach me of Infinity, so that I may appreciate Nothing, and thus have Gratitude for the universal web of existence, of which--against all odds--I am somehow a part. By your Rejection, you teach me to be a Man, so that I may make my own path and find true companionship along the way. Much obliged.

The Uncertainty of Actualization

Blended Panorama of Sunset at Santa Monica Beach at Lei Out - January 16, 2011

Typical Ti:Sapphire Laser Amplifier
Stage, glowing from 532nm pump
laser light. Image here.

At the time, I didn't know that such a small thing would be the grain of dust in this snowflake. I didn't know that it would be the beginning of much understanding I have come to in the five or so years that have followed. I didn't know, but I am grateful.

A bildungsroman. One of the grad students in the laser lab I worked in during undergrad at CU Boulder kept a single, inconspicuous notecard near the amplifier stage of the laser (see image). The first reading was a fleeting moment: "Abandon Any Hope of Fruition." As my first reaction, I thought, "This is ridiculous." Why would I give up Hope? Why would anyone give up Hope? Isn't Hope imminently positive? Isn't Hope the only thing we have left when nothing else remains? Do I not seek Fruition?

For four years, a splinter in my mind, this phrase worked itself in. Finally, Hope was called into question. Hope is passive, I thought. Hope is lazy. When we focus on what might be, we fail to take the action right now that actualizes the future. When we simply try to do something and hope it works, we incompletely do it. Abandon Hope, I thought. Act deliberately.

So I tried it. I got rid of that weak emotion, Hope. How'd it go? Sometimes, I felt empowered, sometimes it sent me reeling closer to passivity. It was as though Hope was a necessary possible emotional state. I looked the word up. I talked about it. I wrote about it, and made the chart below. Now, I think Faith is a synonym for Hope, but not the reverse. Faith is 100% confidence, a subcategory of Hope; Hope is confident wishfulness or sanguine expectation--not simple passive wishfulness. I think "Abandon Any Hope of Fruition" really means "Abandon Passive Wishes of Fruition," and that is a good lesson. More on that shortly.

A Construct. Much of what follows stems from great conversations and experiences with all sorts of folks over the years, including Casey (who I have mentioned here a few times), Larkin, Aaron, Nolan, Seth, Keely, my Dad, and many others. It has also been spurred onward and upward by Cal Newport's blog, Study Hacks. If you don't know about that blog, go check it out. It will revolutionize your life, perhaps. One particular article there regarding passion (and how it really comes about) helped a lot of these thoughts develop. It re-forged my perception of working hard and finding purpose.

Now, make sure you have a little time to sit and think. Make a cup of tea, sink into a comfy seat, and check this out on your big screen. Some might call this kind of thing axiology, or a moral value theory. Looks like a picture to me:

(c) 2011 Nate Kirchhofer

Concentric shells.

Image obtained here.

As you dance around the hierarchy towards Enlightenment, your worldview gets bigger, encompassing all of the echelons below it, much the way in which I described Faith as a subcategory of Hope earlier. In terms of world view, one useful visualization of this hierarchy might be this: concentric radial shells where each higher echelon in the hierarchy is represented by a larger-diameter shell containing all of the other shells below it (see image). In such a scheme, Skepticism/Negativity is a point at the center, and Fear draws you from this center, from zombie slavery, from inanimate animation, and gives you life. (See poll at left.) Quickly, instinct and luck can slingshot you outward.

Look at it some more.

Think about all those arrows on the chart: as a sentient being, you experience life and metabolize your experiences, retaining salient emotions such as Fear or Faith, which guide you through many actualization transitions over time--sometimes up into Hope, or briefly into Enlightenment, and then sometimes down into Hedonism, or even Innocence, and hopefully not long into Skepticism. Ultimately, the question is, "How do you spend most of your time?" In the past, my observation is that I spent most of my time in passive wishfulness (see red dashed lines). That is, I was positive, but passive, wishing for things rather than making or creating things. Perhaps that's how I still am. I like to think it's lessened. Regardless, that notecard opened my eyes, and I have returned once again, inspired, to the same sentiment, just more developed: Act deliberately. Work hard. Play always. Share happiness. Have Faith. Actualize your potential. 

I just can't yet conceptualize where it leads.

Questions. What is puzzling to me is this: I have the capacity to write down (some of) the qualities and aspects embodied in Enlightenment, but I understand very little of what they are like in practice. That is, I feel like I have good morality, and act from my heart, but I am not particularly "enlightened" at present. What is it like to live love? Find God? Become the best? Truly live with humility? Fully actualize? Live a life worth dying for? It's an issue of interaction time; I don't spend much time in Enlightenment. So, I feel that many of these answers cannot be found right now. Only through experience will they emerge. That is, only through experiences of creating value, and building friendships, and having your ideals ripped away and mashed up and returned back different, does Enlightenment emerge. Indeed, some answers may not be clear until the very end. I am reminded of a quote from Rainer Maria Rilke:

"Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer." - RMR, Letters to a Young Poet, Letter Four, 16 July 1903

I like to think that questions drive us. It's a delightful inquisition, too, when answers yield new understanding and new connections and new questions. We must step forward boldly into the exciting and uncertain future. It's foggy, but beautiful things always seem to pop out of the fog.

A unit right triangle. By the  Pythagorean theorem,
the length of the hypotenuse of this triangle is


= 1.41421356...
and the decimals never end or repeat predictably.
Yet, despite this "infinite" uncertainty, we can
concisely draw the shape and concisely
write the symbol representing the concept.

Image obtained here.

I like to think that Uncertainty is the glue of the universe. The oversoul. God. The thing that connects us all, and tugs at our spirits. Whatever you want to call it. Even the word "Uncertainty" captures the character of the concept. It's an appropriately abstract and formidable Noun. (It also appeals to the physicist in me as an elegant allusion to Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle, an expression governing the physical properties of the universe.) Think: just as it is paradoxical to write the concise, finite symbol "√2" to represent the square root of 2 (an irrational number--see image), the very writing of the word "Uncertainty" is paradoxical in its concise certainty. (One way to conceptualize this is that writing collapses thought wavefunctions--veritable platonic forms--into digestible language and meaning. The paradox is that uncertainty seems antithetical to meaning, so collapsing the "Uncertainty" platonic form should yield the meaning of no meaning.) And yet, we can still write √2 and have some strong concept of what it means. We can still write "Uncertainty" and think about the meaning of no meaning. Perhaps that is why we can have some strong concept of God.

I am deliberately committed to this moment: Now. There will always be questions, and living them is the point of life, as far as I can tell. Fully living this Uncertainty is tantamount to finding God, living love, actualizing your potential, and living a life worth dying for. The question is how to approach Uncertainty: Fear? Indulgence? Gratitude? Faith? Love?

You decide.